My Corresspondings with Asley

Here is a list of my letter from my fiend asley. He full of advise for me. You can sees he will say I need to blog more and i thinks i will with topical storeys.
Asley do send me a lot of letters, but I think he intend well he not mental or a stalkist.

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 01 June 2004 14:43:58
To :
Subject : Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I've seen the tech programme (tech get ins etc) for The Underbelly - your show isn't listed as "The Great Spider Welch". What are you actually doing?

I am constantly amused by your posts on Chortle - you certainly know how to draw attention to yourself and it's entertaining and charming. I'm still wondering who you really are, but we'll have plenty of time during the festival to catch up.

Keep doing what you do - you have a cult following... deservedly.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 June 2004 17:23
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

i ams very worriyd know. i do not need a technicals for my shows but they have not asked me so how could they know if i needs one ofr not needs one. i just using my voice and some puppets. i get to edinburghgh on the 14 of august so maybe i will sort it outs then. or should i ask twinkey baretm whats going on? what a cult?

your friend Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 02 June 2004 08:50:44
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

The tech get-in sheet I saw was for shows doing the whole run. I didn't realise that you're only doing a bit of it.

You're definitely a cult figure, in that you have a gang of followers who know that they like you, but can't quite identify why. I think you're great and very inventive - how you can convert "Ed Bartlam" into "Twinkey Bartem" is delicious.

In terms of pre-show publicity, yours is the example to follow.

Have we ever met?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 08 June 2004 10:04:23
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

The Underbelly programme appears to be online now - at least the daily diary is. Which room do you have and what is your show called... Come on, you can tell me - it'll be our little secret.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 08 June 2004 11:27
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

I already teld you Ashleys, I am performing The Great Spider Welch at the edinburgh. I will be in the theatrical at Twinkey Bartems Underbelly. It will be a huge suchess.

Hows is all your planning oign? have you got your costumes? I got something i got when i met with Chastissety. I worry though becuase i have not heard anything from her voice since that time and i not sure if everything ok and if we still friends. i seen nothing of her. do you think it because i said she was fat? i got a personal massage from someones tellin gme it not the nicest thing to say abouts anone but i said she was fat but pretty and i dont know.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 08 June 2004 10:31:46
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I know what you told me, and I've looked for the words "The Great Spider Welch", but it's not on any of the diary pages for any of the rooms in The Underbelly. So either you're not actually performing, or you're down under a different title. I hope you are on, since you've provided excellent company to the chortle-forum community since you suddenly turned up a few months back. Indeed, I hope we'll get chance to meet up so I can buy you a drink or whatever. Which of the rooms have you booked? What time of day are you performing?

My planning is going well. I have costumes, since we've already performed the show once, and we're doing it again in less than two weeks' time. Lots to arrange for that too. Current problem is producing press packs on time. Must get myself organised.

Women don't like to be called fat, even if you qualify it with the words "but pretty". However, if you try to keep in touch and show her you care, she may start speaking to you again.

What do you do when you're not posting on chortle and emailing people? Indeed, who are you? Are you young? old? In showbusiness? Might we have met before?

Keep doing your thing.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 09 June 2004 14:37
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hellos ashley, i asked twinkey to tell me exactly which room i have to stand in and he say it the jelly belly. it not got jelly in it thoughs! also good news is that i can comes to edinburgh when i lick so i will come soon and see you and chastisseyity

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 09 June 2004 14:00:34
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Do you mean the Delhi Belly?

Come on, Blaized, don't tease me. You don't just wander along and do a show. You'll have paid Ed handsomely for the privilege, so you'll know the time of day and dates that your show is on. Your secret is safe with me - what's the show?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:00:13
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

I've been having a look at your website - nice work. I'm really enjoying it. Thing is... well... you've had some help. You're using the services of Chris Limb, who's a web designer and involved with the likes of the Gonzo Dog-do Bar Band... and probably has some involvement with the folks from The Trap. In addition, you know too much about the whole Edinburgh festival thing.

Your stuff is absolutely hilarious and well worth a read - it's been keeping a bunch of chortlers very very entertained for a few months... but the time is going to have to come when we find out who you really are... reckon you can trust me to keep your secret?

Which show are you really doing? Cos there ain't no "great spider welch" in the programme :)

Just keep doing the whole blaized carmey thing - it's totally brilliant.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 21 June 2004 16:19
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hello Asley!

yes i am a frined with Christopher Limb. I met him after i was going to do my show in the lift last year at the edinburghgh festival. he did the website of kiki who was almost put me in the lift but she did not (and then was rude to me). Christopher annd me keep in touch since we met in brighton. i did the website myself though on free programmes on my computers and then i mailed it to christopher and then he made it appear on the computers. i do not knows how to do that. The great Spider Welch IS happening in edinburghgh fringe, why do you keep saying it isn't. I am doing my story telling in the jelly belly which has a bar in it and twinkey bartem says that i could!

you will know when yu see me with your own face!

Blaized

Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:39:15
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I can't see your show listed on the Underbelly website. I keep looking to see if I can find out more about it. I'm in London tomorrow evening - why don't we meet up in Camden - I should be there for about 7pm. Then I can know you and we can see each other's faces.

Anyway, your website was done with Microsoft Frontpage, which is not a free piece of software... I'm a computer geek - it's my job to know these things.

I can keep a secret too...

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 21 June 2004 16:47
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

i gottted it free becuase it was on my compter when i gotted it!
i think i being advertised on a blackboard and not in a brochure. i dodn't give the twinky bartem belly any money so that is the problem i keep encountering.
I will see if i can change my plans for tomorrow so i can meets you and give you whiskey.
i lick camden
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:52:40
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hey Blaized,

Not sure about the Whiskey - I'm day tripping it to London in the car, so will have to stay sober. I'll be near Chalk Farm tube at the Enterprise pub. My mobile number is 07*** *** **1 I'll buy the whiskey for you.

I've given Twinky Bartem plenty of money - I wish I'd worked out how to do it your way :)

See you later.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 June 2004 10:16:50
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized.

Shame you couldn't make it along to the gig the other night. I needed something magical injecting into me - maybe some Blaized magic would have been just the ticket. I got the audience laughing in the end, but it felt awfully lonely up there at the start.

So what's news with you?

Have you written any more of your Edinburgh show - there's more of it online, but surely it couldn't fill an hour in its current incarnation?

Are you going to come along on July 17th or 18th to see my show at the Etcetera in Camden? Apparently you were going to perform there, but had to pull out at the last minute.

I also understand that you are telling people that I am your friend. I'm touched by this, since it means that you're not ashamed to admit to knowing me. Sadly, I feel a bit disappointed that we haven't met yet. Surely friends would be better at keeping in touch? We'll have to sort this out.

Good luck with being Blaized.

See you soon.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 June 2004 11:32
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Asley. i did not see this emails until it was too late. i seens it just now, i am sorry that you were lonly without me. I will try to come to see your show in camden, i will book tickets today. last times i was supposed to do a bit of my play there but i then went to the wrong theatre at the canal cafe thetare and i got there and they said i was in the wrong place. i tried to hurry to the write place but it was too late but then some peoples readed my script for me anyways on the stage i was told.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 June 2004 10:53:12
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I heard that they read your script too. I'd love to have a look at it - can you email it to me?

Let me know which night you're coming to my show in Camden - I'll make sure we can meet up afterwards.

Are you doing any previews of your show before you go to Edinburgh? I've learned a lot about our show over the last two previews - thankfully, I'm happy with most of it, but it must be a big risk trying out a show you've never done before during the Edinburgh festival itself. I'm so glad I was advised to do previews.

Good luck.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 29 June 2004 14:32:53
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Labi Siffre

http://www.so-strong.com/archives/music/lyrics/05_so_strong.htm

That's who sang it

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 July 2004 14:40
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

I don't understand your email asley. nevermind. perhaps you drunk! I am exciting now abouts edinburghhgr. I am going to have a special chair in the jelly belly and mes own board saying when i sit there! exclaim!

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 01 July 2004 13:47:00
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized - I read your blog and you were asking who wrote "something inside so strong" - the song you sang to the dog you found on the street. I found out who did it and emailed you the stuff below.

I'm very excited about Edinburgh too.

Are you doing any previews of your show?

I'm currently working on getting the show ready to come to London in just over two weeks' time. It's a lot to organise. In September, I will be very relieved that it's all over... I'll also miss the flurry of activity.

What will you be doing after Edinburgh?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 11:11:47
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

Are you Anil?

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 07 July 2004 13:26
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hi Asley, what is anil? is it a type of feeling?

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 12:42:56
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

I'm asking whether you are actually Anil - as in the Pineapple Boys member called Anil.

It's a fair guess. If I'm right, you may as well admit it. I'm telling noone.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 07 July 2004 13:49
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

hello asley,

someones else called kiki says this to me too. i do not lick it very much. i am not a pin apple boys i am a man and quite an old man and i dont unerstand why peoples guessing who i am these days. if that the best you say to me today than i can do without it.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 13:10:18
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Sorry Blaized,

I am just excited about meeting you when you come to see my musical. Kiki suggested it to me and gave a compelling reason for why she thought you were Anil. If you don't want me to question the man behind "Blaized" then I won't.

What are you doing today?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 22 July 2004 15:33:47
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

Did you make it along to see my show this weekend - you said you would. If you did and then didn't come and see me afterwards, that's a bit of a disappointment.

So, when are we going to meet up in Edinburgh?

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 23 July 2004 16:54
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hi Asley
I am coming to see you tommorroww at 7.30. I ams looking forward to it. Do I need to book a ticket or will you give me a compliment?
yours, Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 23 July 2004 16:16:06
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

Sorry, but it was last weekend - you missed it. I would have comp'ed you in... you'll have to wait until Edinburgh now.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 September 2004 10:44:46
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

Thanks for coming to see The Musical! during the fringe. You never introduced yourself to me, though we must have run into each other in the underbelly. What do you look like?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 September 2004 12:42
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Dear Asley, surely you know what i looks lick? have you not seens my phot? have you seen my poster for my show?

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 28 September 2004 12:44:35
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

I'm not sure that you do look like the photo I've seen on your website. I would have definitely noticed you if you did. Having said that, the photo was an odd one, coming, almost at random, from a german university's photo
website: http://www.geogr.uni-goettingen.de/kus/pics/vn3/vn1999-bremer-old-man-small1.jpg
So I'd be forgiven for my assumption that it's not actually you.

I've seen the poster for your show and I'm really tempted to come along and watch it. The problem being that it's a long way to go for watching a show and I have a day job which may get in the way. I'm 300 miles away from your venue. If only it were on 3 days later: I'm in London on a company-paid-for trip then anyway.

Good luck with the show.

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 September 2004 17:40
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Dear Asley,

It is an old picture of me, i think at least 5 or 6 years olds i think. I do not unerstand why you not think it me why? just because it on another wesbite and not just your wesbite? I been to many places, i seed a lot of things. i quite old asley.

Maybe the picture of you dressed as a soldier is random, i am tempting to think so but i know it is you because i have seed your flesh.

I sorry that you can not come to see my play but i dont think you wood reaaly come anyway because you dont even belive i a person which is my biggest insult from you. nasty cruel is your name

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 28 September 2004 16:48:32
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Blaized,

I'd love to see your play and see the man behind the name. If I can, I will. Thank you for coming to see mine. I only wish you'd taken the time to say hello - you knew my whereabouts and I had no means of finding you.

As for your identity. You are Blaized Carmey. Everything else is irrelevant.

Good luck with the show. The etcetera is a good venue, I'm sure you'll have fun there.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 29 September 2004 15:26:41
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

How long does your show last? If it will be over by 9.30pm then I may be
able to come - do I get a discount?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 12 November 2004 16:59:29
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

It's a big trip to make for a one-hour-long play, but I guess I couldn't miss out on the chance to see the premiere. Good luck organising it. The show must go on... and invariably, it does.

Will you be around for post-show drinks?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 15 November 2004 17:36
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Dear Asley,
many thanks for being my supporter. I hope to have pre show drink and after show drink of whiskey. I will need it for my nerves because they is getting shaky already and it not yet the day of the preformance. I have been very busy making all of the costume and it difficult for me because i have roomatism in both of my hands and this make it a long job. i try to rest but when i rest i dream of the play. i hop it is my best work. i worry that i old and will not have many chances at this before i die.
I look forward to see you and to hear you laugh and cry at the play
Your Fiend, Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 15 November 2004 17:41:20
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized

If the play turns out as I'm certain it will, and if you are prepared to sit and have a drink me, it will be my pleasure to buy the whiskey.

How are rehearsals going? Do the cast need to learn their lines? Or will they do it radio-play-style? Scripts in hands?

Is there much of a set?

Good luck with it. I'm sure you'll have fun. As for the performance anxiety dreams - enjoy them, you've earned them!

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 16 November 2004 15:40
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

thankyou asley. i look forward to your critike.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 16 November 2004 15:51:02
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.


I was just going to come along and enjoy, but if you want me to give you a critique, then I'll bring a notepad...

What are your hopes for this preview? Some people do previews to get press attention, or to see if the material works, or to give themselves a first step towards completing the show. In your case, you've made a real challenge for yourself, so I don't know your aims.

When I first put on "The Musical!" one of my main aims was to see my efforts come to fruition. It's a really good feeling. I met a friend of a friend today who'd seen the show in Edinburgh. It was the first time I'd met him. As we parted, he told me that the show had been the highlight of his trip (albeit a day-trip) to Edinburgh and that he still listened to the CD and enjoyed it. That's kind of weird, but it makes it all worthwhile... (personally, I thought my show was fairly worthless - except, perhaps, as a bit of entertainment)

Keep doing what you're doing. I'm enjoying watching your progress.

And blog more often.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 23 November 2004 22:27:23
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

Well... Interesting. You were in the audience, then. If so, where were you sitting. In fact, you can't have missed a big fellow like me, so where was I sitting?

Why didn't you say hi to me after the show? I thought I was going to buy you a whisky?

I'm disappointed in you. I thought that the climax of this story would be that we'd meet at your play and talk of the future. Now I'm more puzzled than ever. What is the purpose of this? Really... I'm utterly stumped. Give me a clue. Is this some sort of test?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 10:37
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Asley,
I am sorry not to drink the Whiskey with you after you comes all the way from Scotland to see my humble show. I not well enough to go inot the smockey bar. Ruman phone me and tell me to go straight home, he angry I even go to the show in the frist place but I could not resit.
It no test to you or anyone, I is just being Blaized and hasing some fun in my old age. I want to make peoples smile and be happy and I sorry if I fale to do this to you. Did you lick the peace? I heared you laughing Asley...
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 11:24:13
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

I had a fun evening. I laughed. I learned about Newcastle disease.

What's next for Blaized? Are you going to become a legend on the back of Monday? Or is there some impending denouement to look forward to?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 12:32
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

what is next? i have a few ideas and have writted them down in my dairy. You oculd have a look Asley.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 12:52:21
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I read your diary, Blaized. I suppose my real question is - how much longer are you going to keep up doing what you've been doing? If you don't make it bigger each time, then the appeal will wear off. If there's to be no climax surrounding Monday night, then you will either need to do something a lot more difficult, or disappear completely. Staying as you are will not be an option.

So what do you think? Did Monday go well enough to justify all the work you put in?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 16:52
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I thinks you worry two much, Asley. I is not an master ciminal from a James Bond film. I not planning to take over the world. Given my age and the currant state of my health I do not think it two safe to assume that I will be around for a long time, I will stop when I dies or when the people kerb their interest.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 17:02:26
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I'm not worried... I'm just extremely puzzled. You've been doing your thing for months now and I've been waiting for the grand finale. In much the same way as your play just suddenly came to an end, so do you expect your presence in the comedy world to come to an end without a punchline? What sort of a story would that be to tell?

You're truly an entertaining being - more so on the page than spoken, I might add - and I know you've gotten yourself something of a following, but do you really plan to string this along indefinitely with no purpose? Or is there some grand plan that you're yet to reveal? In an earlier email, you suggested that Monday night's show was a preview for something for Fringe 2005. Will there be a show in August?

I think you ought to write more for your website. Your takes on current affairs, along with your turn of phrase in your "dairy" are well worth reading.

Maybe I'm just looking for meaning in all of this. Perhaps you're just bored and filling time. Still, putting a 45 minute show together in a London theatre is a bit ambitious for just a time filler... Isn't it?

Ashley

My John Report review

HERE IS MY FRIST REVIEW!

Verdict: Fairly interesting
London - Etcetera Theatre - 22 Nov 04
www.blaizedcarmey.co.uk

The Universal Language of the Animals is drama inflected with comedy, running at just under an hour. There's a cast of 7 (2F, 5M).

Narrator Blaized Carmey (Dan Mersh) introduces three states of existence: now, life in 3012, and an afterlife. He proposes the creation of a language that eg humans, birds and fishes can all understand - to reduce the misunderstandings between species that the three scenarios illustrate.

In the first state, Child 1 (Nick Pettigrew) recalls how his parents were eaten by a snake (Paul Nelson). Child 2 (Hazel Humphreys) was brought up by ducks. Child 3 - (James D'Chapeau) is vegan and serenely indifferent. A pigeon (Paul Nelson) rapes another pigeon (Cecilia Smart) and infects her with Newcastle Disease. A hawk (Cecilia Smart) prepares to attack, leading to violence among children and birds.

In the second state, in 3012, Robot Child 1 (Alex Macqueen) and Robot Child 2 (Hazel Humphreys), with promptings from Robot Child 3 (Nick Pettigrew), try to work out what humans were like; and discuss non-communication.

In the third state, a type of after-life, Muthpet 1 (James D'Chapeau), Muthpet 2 (Alex Macqueen), and Muthpet 3 (The King) (Nick Pettigrew), pass judgment on the others - and whether to send them to Schala (good), or Draaaaag (bad). Those judged include the eggs of the previous pigeon - Egg 1 (Cecilia Smart), and Egg 2 - (Hazel Humphreys).

It's a potentially interesting play. There are elements of Jean-Paul Satre's version of existentialism, and a trace of Nietzsche. It's told in an arch Edward Lear / Walter de la Mare nonsense style, stitched together with pseudo-philosophy.

It is difficult to review the play at the moment, because tonight's version seems an unrehearsed reading, with scripts open, and a number of forgotten lines. But it feels fairly interesting. With a ruthless - very extremely ruthless - edit, and some rigorous work on the script to make the dialogue more inviting, it could be a cult hit.

Tonight's audience includes legendary performer Peter Buckley-Hill, comedy experts Zena Barrie & Michelle Flower (FRA 04 - Best Comedy Company), sublime press officer Penny Sims.

Cast Credits: Hazel Humphreys - Child 2, Robot Child 2, Egg 2. Alex Macqueen - Robot Child 1, Muthpet 2. Dan Mersh as Blaized Carmey - Narrator. Paul Nelson - Snake, Bird 2. Nick Pettigrew - Child 1, Robot Child 3, Muthpet 3 (The King). Cecilia Smart - Bird 1, Egg 1. Jim Woroniecki as James D'Chapeau - Child 3, Muthpet 1.

Company Credits: Written and directed by Blaized Carmey. Technical Operator - Phil Bentley. Thanks: (programme spellings): Nick P, Humph, Cecilia, James D'Chapeau, Paulie, Ruman, Michelle, Zelda, Pillip, Martyn, Rogger, Chortle, Jerry, Andre, Mr Nichol, Marek, Spencer, Ween, Dominic Frisby.

http://www.fringereport.com/0411theuniversallanguageoftheanimals.shtml

Apologyes to Paulie

I would lick to reveyes my stating that Paulie not bother to learn his lines as Muthpet B and Robot 1, as i now inform that he had food poison and that is why the other man who I not now from adamski in the show.
Blaized

The Preformance!

It is the day after the big day of the show. I hast not stopped dancing yet!
It was infortunite that I has to go to the doctors on Friday for my flu jab becuase whilst I their the nursey taked the pressure in my blood and she say that it gone sky high and should have to have some serious rest and their by she banished from leaving my house for the weekend saying I too old to play frolicks with Humph and Cecila. SHe say I must stay in the bed and keep cosy not go to the rerhearsals. I was furious about this and I decides I will defy the dictation of the nursey, but when Ruman finds out he get upset and say I must always do what best for my health, as he would be lost without his Blaized.
SO I has to get Sheila to deliver the costumes and the tinydisc of music and the technacle scipt and they actoresses had to practise withouts their director.
I was not even alloud to rerhearsal my part of the narrator, so the young ladies at the theatrical bent the ear of a professinal actor to make the stand in for me. I was sad this be the case, but i happy because it meaned I sit in the theattrical in the audience in amongst the other people and I view the show from the seats.
I was very pleased with the work that Nick P, Paulie, James and Humph and Cecila had done in my abcess - they make my humble words I wrote on page come to life and sound better they they ever could in my heads. My favourit bits were:

• The bit the fanfare started after "let the play comment"
• The bit wear child 1 tell his story about his past and then the snake came on. Everyone laugh and i feel a rush of prid.
• The bit wear child three look in the air
• I licked the noise that the Robot two makes and I was very proud of the way the robot heads I create for the peace look in the lights of the theatrical, they very shinny.
• I licked the childrens on fire with petrol and matches and the flashing and banging it a very special effect.
• The bit when the rape happens and then the bird read a magazeen.
• The eggs had shinny egg heads and sqeaking voices which maked me laugh.

There was a man in the show I did not know! He plays the part of Muthpet B and of the Robot 1. I do not now why he their but i think everyone two polite too say that Paul not bother too learn his lines and this man reads them instead. I licked the way he said them and rolled the words in his moth. He work in the specsavers shop on the telly. He very professinal on the stage as well.
Actor Daniel Merch maked a fine narrator for the peace and though he much younger than me he read my parts well and he had more of a lowd voice than Blaized.
I can be happy now that I has seen the play on the London stage. it put a fire in my belly and I think I may write more plays for the cast to be in, but If I donot bother to then at least I will die a happy forfilled writer.
Here is some of my idea of the future writings:

• An opera about Easter story with Jesus and more eggs (can use the costume again)
• A plays about the simease twins that joined by the heads and they sing the country and western ballids and then they get seperated by the doctor who is evil and drink their blood so he sing lick willie nelson or gareth brooks. I think there will be some revenge had by the twins who get married to spies.
• The ways of the Ladies
• An update of Hamlet by Mr William Shakespeare with robots in it (can use the costume again). I would cast James D'Chapeau as Hamlet, Nick P as I Claudius and Cecelia as Hamlets mum that gets raped. I think she called Gert.
• A comedy farse about Boris Johnston in which he where a funny hat ans shorts and get the sack from his job by his old fiend Dracula. It will be funny because it true.
• A story of Jeremy Vine starring Jeremy northam, Jeremy Paxman, Jeremy spake , Jeremy Clarkson and Priscilla Presley queen of the desert.
• A play about Utopia which a sequence to The Universal Language (of the Animals) when everyone has learned the universal language created by the 3 ghost childs and the muthpets come to earth and talked to the elephants and the people and the zebras and they all gang up on the rapists and the american goverment and make the world a better place.

Let me know if you have a perference.

It nearly the time

Hello to you all. It is nearly the time for my play and nearly the times for me to meet my actoresses. I hop we all get along ok i hop that they lick the costumes I have been making. I am not sure whether they are very good. Hopefully they will look good on the stage when they have the special lightis shining upon them. I have keeped been making a maess with feathers and glue and glitter and sewing and tin foil, i been getting tied up in string and have learnt all sort of things and the best techniques that there are so i do not keep losing the end on my sticky tapes. I hop that my voice sound strong when i read my lines and i hop i look smart and not too old.

I also worry about the ardiance but i think people will come to see the show. I hop that they leave the theatrical thinking that they too would lick to learn a universal language for the animals and i hop that they will think about getting along in harmony with the animals that they see from day to day lick a doggie and cat a sqwirrel or a horsie or a cow. or a donkey. or a fox! or a monkey but you not see many of those in london apart from at the london zoo.

I hop i hop i hop.

Blaized

Bridget Joness Dairy

Today i been to see the film of Bridget Joness Dairy. I went to see it because if i want my dairy to be a famous dairy it impotant to find out about dairies that are very succesful so i can maybe copy.

I enjoy the film very much it made me laugh. I lick the characters of Mark Darsy and Hugh Grant and Jeremy Paxoman. I lick Rebecca the Lesbian who gives Bidget Jones a kiss. I lick it when Hugh Grant and Mark Darsy have a fight in a fountain and i lick all the ladies that bidget joness is in pison with because they look lick my gran daughters.

I did not think the characters are explain very well because i did not know who everyone was and it did not explain how they meet and i got the feeling that things had happen in the past that i didn't know about. In one bit of the film Hugh Grant says he know where Bidgets asshole is and that make me think he may have had a relationship with her in the past but they never said so and then the character of Neil pearson who play Neil Pearson seem to think something gone on that way too!

My main problem with the film is that Hugh Grant and Mark Darsy and 2 very handsome actors in britain, probably the top 2 actually and the lesbian lady was also quite good probably in the top thirty at least. I do not unerstand why they all crazy about Bidget joness. She not very clever and even though she wear big pants it still not hide the fact that she has got quite a fat neck ans she walks lick the cartoon character donald duck.

I licked her fiends. I licked Tom who gave bidget the wrong advice and i like the lady who went to thailand with her and then met a young boy who gave her a snake full of drugs that bidget then took on the aeroplane but then the sniffing dogs sniffed her out and she got put in the pison but then Mark Darsy got her out of the pison and then she went home and then he asked her to marry him and she did not answer him but she did jump up and kiss him so i think that the answer was yes and then Bidgets mum and dad had a wedding for the second time but i do not know why? Maybe so that bidget not a bastard anymore?

They wore lavender colour of cloths which is a colour i not heard of before but i licked it but i did not lick the style as it was too much.

If she did not wear the big pants maybe she could walk properly again and maybe she would not be so red in the face all of the time.

That is what i think of it at the moment but i will think about it some more. there was not much in the film about a dairy and i think that i been hoodwinked by the lady at the cinema who said i would lick the film because it definately is about a dairy and she know i been waiting for a film about a dairy for a long time.

Blaized

i not sure I lick the internet anymore

The internet is an unfiendly place. I has today found that Chortle has changed. i thought I had gone to the wrong plaice, but then I found Asley so I new I was in the right place, but it had a make over. Then I found my messages in the bbc forman has been removed and other people are not welcoming to me, they think I someone else (as well!)
And I is not alloud on Birdy's Real COmedy anymore. He has told Angie P that he is going to come and ruin The Universal Language (of the Animals), but the actoresses think he is just saying this for attenshun and it is to far for him to come to Camden from ABbadeen.
LuckilyI has had the runs today and this takes my mind off these worries. i will return to my reading. Good news! 150 moire Bararabra Cartland bboks to be punblished!

might get a rabbit

i hast been keeping up a bit of a low profille, as I getting fed up bof everyone badger bating me, ad pretending to be me, or backing on a bet that I am a secret idetinty, lick some sort of super hero.

My doctor say that my bloood pressure getting worsen not better, so I sit and take it easy. ight get a pet to stroke.I hast been reading a book named Engineres of the Imagination about plays and the theatrical, and it has give me some ideas for mounting The Universal Language (of the animals) and I do an effigy.

I am taking some interest in the American Elecshun. I do not think much of either candydut, but I do think George Duble-U is a bit of a fool and he licks to have a war two much, this morning it look lick that he will win (I got up two early this morning as the lights get up early now the clock has changed and the birds are singing at 3am)

The 274 bus take a nice ride round the zoo and parks, so I might go on that later for fresh air.

Only 19 days to do unto the play!