Blaized Dairy

finge broshure

2005-06-10T17:09:00.000+01:00

helo,

Toddy i have bean looking over the new edinbugger fringe broshure that it come out yesterday at the launch (lick a spaceship)
It is quite good but i am not in it again this yeer butt perhaps i will make a appeerance in twinkys underbelly and tell some of my stories. i have aslo ritten some fook tales from my homeland about how the spidders came to be, and how the whale came and what the tigerr did with his stripps. my friend glen says i am copying Rude yard Kipling (lick the cakes?) but i have not writed about caks at all, even fondance fancies and caramel squares.
howevver, i digress,
other things i am working on at the momont is a illistrated book for kidds lick rhold dahl.

i must go now as i have to mack the dinner for Ruman and Glenn as they are coming to my howse to eat the food i will mack for them.

blaized.

hot dayy

2005-05-26T16:47:00.000+01:00

it as hot today, i huve put on my bathing soot and put up my dekking chairs. it is to heat even to play the giant ches with glenn in the park, so i have bean redding more about the animuls and supping on the straws in my caco cola drink. a doggie felled over in the street nearmy house becuase he it was to hot and hes tung was hanging out over his lipps. so i went into the kichin and got some milkk from the frige and it pours into the bowls, so i could give it to the doggie so he feel better. the doggie he lapp it up the milk and went on his way, i huv decided to be not a zoo but a vet as the animuls need doctors to lick peoples. im going to huv a bbq with glenn tonighty, with the sausagg and bakon and buggers.

blaized.

i lick the animuls

2005-05-25T16:58:00.000+01:00

helo again, todday i have bean reading a book about animuls lick the spidder, the wail, the pee cock, the monky and the scoripion. i lick all animuls and have based alot of my works on them, so i enjoy lerning more about them. if i had gone to skool when i was yung i could have got A levells and gone to the universe and lerned a degree about the zoo. but i did not have the skool because my village was too narrow.
herr is a fact about the dollfin- "he is the only animul hoo loves man for his own sake" this is a cwote from the book i have bean reading and i think it is very intresting. i only love men for my own sake to,lick glenn, i love himm for my own sack aswell. we had a luvvly time playing giant chess in the park, i lick to laff at him when he trys to pick up the giant prawn and chess mate mee.
nixt week i think we will play giant draughts at another park, this is becose glenn is gettin too good at giant chess and i want to beet him at the games, not him to beet me. maybe draughts it is to hard for glenn to pick up and i will winn.i hape so. i do not lick to loose.
i am going to reed my book agin now and lern more about the amilals.maybe on day i will be abel to see a gyraffe and no what he eets.

blaized.

wear ive bean

2005-05-24T13:33:00.000+01:00

hallo,
ive bean away for a lang tim, i gess you wood lick to know wear. i bean travelling rund scatland loking for insperation for my new play i am riting. it isnt finushed but i know their will be dragons and spidders.
on my travles i have seen many things that have mad me sad, but aslo happie, that is the wae of the world. a sad thing i sawed was a pidgon with no feet, just nobbles. hee walked lick he was wearing hi heels lick a laddy. this mad me a bit sad but then, later that weak i saw a gebril slepping in a ball in sawdust wit his gebril frinds and he was brething in and out and looked happy and it mad me realise that life is lick a circle.

i am listning to mr jeremy vine, he is talking about chewing gum and yuck spitty peoples hoo put it out of theyre mouths and on the pavment. i do nut lick the chewing gum on the pavement, it stikks to my sandals who are mad of wicker and let in the rain and road yuck.

the goud news is that the doctor says my hert is much better now as the brisk scittish air help me and breathing is much mor easy witch i lick a lot as i can play the squash game with my fiend Glenn hoo i met in edinbugger.The ball in the squash is very smal and got in glenns eye. he is okauy now though as the nurse took it out and his eye was still round and working.

i hav to go now, me and glenn are going to play giant chess at the park. the pieses are as big as glenn and though hee is small for a man he is tall for a chess piese. chess is a good gam, very much so in the park with the birds and doggies.

blaized

2004-12-13T11:25:00.000Z

I not feeling two gooddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

The news of the day

2004-12-08T17:10:00.000Z

Here are Blaized Headlines of the day

I writted a song and has given it to asley and he lick it and going to make a tune for it.

Joe Paskwally has his face on a bit of toast out of the toaster and i am going to make a bid for it on ebay. i is also checking my food in case of paul burrelll turnin gup because i would not lick to eat him by accident.

I had a letter from the grumbleweeds and they say theu put my post on their wesbite forman and i had a look and it was true my name is there. i lick them.

i think david blunket should get the sack because how can he do his job when he is blind and cannot see anything? How he know what is going on?

i listen to a man on the radio this morning and i spotted that he was irish and i pleased because now i know about accents and i can tell if a person from england or from irish but i can not tell the diferences between rich and poor just through the voice but i can usually tell by the sight anyway. the man on the radio was called dillan moron he was talking to a lady about how she fly in a fast aeroplane. and about some black books that he had seen.

what else has happen? Jeremy vine show was very funny again and there a very good debate.
The problem is that even though i have had my flu jab it still let me catch a cold and i have got a cold and my joints are aching i feel a bit old today.

tonight i am meeting Sheila and i going to a surprise cabareh show and i will tell you about it tomorrow when i have woken up and had my break fast of fish.

Blaized

I writing a album

2004-12-02T16:37:00.000Z

Hello everyone today i am very exciting because an offer has been offered to me from asley who want to writ an album with me and i have said yes to this. I shall writ the songs and asley is going to writ the tune and then sing the songs and we think they maybe a story about some robots or monkeys or maybe the government. or maybe it about twins join at the head. Whatever it may be it will be very good and I hop that we have a large host of actoresses that can sing and be on the album and that we can preform it in twinkys belly.
As soon as the idea is a full idea we shall share the details of the album with fiends.

Blaized

Me and a Monkey

2004-12-02T11:28:00.000Z

I just been listens to the radio and I here a song played by Ken Broose and it by Robbie Walliams and it called "Me and A Monkey" and it all about His fiendship with a monkey and in it the monkey and robbie got to Las Vegas and they go to a hotal and they got a gun and then the monkey go bad and then the monkey goes and makes some monkey lady fiends and the monkey get in trouble with a mexican man - i think it because he winned at the craps or jumped on his sombrero or something - and then the song ends and the monkey has a mexican stand off with the mexican and robbie and Robbie say he can't remember how he ended up with a monkey as a fiend in the frist place. It a very good song. I lick it best because it has a story. And a monkey. I think I may be come a song writer now insteed of a playwright as it seems a good way to tell a story and then I can send my songs to Robbie and Morrissey and my favourit Tommy Steele and I might here them on the radio sung by a profeshional! I would lick that very much!

My Corresspondings with Asley

2004-11-25T11:38:00.000Z

Here is a list of my letter from my fiend asley. He full of advise for me. You can sees he will say I need to blog more and i thinks i will with topical storeys.
Asley do send me a lot of letters, but I think he intend well he not mental or a stalkist.

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 01 June 2004 14:43:58
To :
Subject : Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I've seen the tech programme (tech get ins etc) for The Underbelly - your show isn't listed as "The Great Spider Welch". What are you actually doing?

I am constantly amused by your posts on Chortle - you certainly know how to draw attention to yourself and it's entertaining and charming. I'm still wondering who you really are, but we'll have plenty of time during the festival to catch up.

Keep doing what you do - you have a cult following... deservedly.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 June 2004 17:23
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

i ams very worriyd know. i do not need a technicals for my shows but they have not asked me so how could they know if i needs one ofr not needs one. i just using my voice and some puppets. i get to edinburghgh on the 14 of august so maybe i will sort it outs then. or should i ask twinkey baretm whats going on? what a cult?

your friend Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 02 June 2004 08:50:44
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

The tech get-in sheet I saw was for shows doing the whole run. I didn't realise that you're only doing a bit of it.

You're definitely a cult figure, in that you have a gang of followers who know that they like you, but can't quite identify why. I think you're great and very inventive - how you can convert "Ed Bartlam" into "Twinkey Bartem" is delicious.

In terms of pre-show publicity, yours is the example to follow.

Have we ever met?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 08 June 2004 10:04:23
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

The Underbelly programme appears to be online now - at least the daily diary is. Which room do you have and what is your show called... Come on, you can tell me - it'll be our little secret.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 08 June 2004 11:27
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

I already teld you Ashleys, I am performing The Great Spider Welch at the edinburgh. I will be in the theatrical at Twinkey Bartems Underbelly. It will be a huge suchess.

Hows is all your planning oign? have you got your costumes? I got something i got when i met with Chastissety. I worry though becuase i have not heard anything from her voice since that time and i not sure if everything ok and if we still friends. i seen nothing of her. do you think it because i said she was fat? i got a personal massage from someones tellin gme it not the nicest thing to say abouts anone but i said she was fat but pretty and i dont know.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 08 June 2004 10:31:46
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I know what you told me, and I've looked for the words "The Great Spider Welch", but it's not on any of the diary pages for any of the rooms in The Underbelly. So either you're not actually performing, or you're down under a different title. I hope you are on, since you've provided excellent company to the chortle-forum community since you suddenly turned up a few months back. Indeed, I hope we'll get chance to meet up so I can buy you a drink or whatever. Which of the rooms have you booked? What time of day are you performing?

My planning is going well. I have costumes, since we've already performed the show once, and we're doing it again in less than two weeks' time. Lots to arrange for that too. Current problem is producing press packs on time. Must get myself organised.

Women don't like to be called fat, even if you qualify it with the words "but pretty". However, if you try to keep in touch and show her you care, she may start speaking to you again.

What do you do when you're not posting on chortle and emailing people? Indeed, who are you? Are you young? old? In showbusiness? Might we have met before?

Keep doing your thing.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 09 June 2004 14:37
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hellos ashley, i asked twinkey to tell me exactly which room i have to stand in and he say it the jelly belly. it not got jelly in it thoughs! also good news is that i can comes to edinburgh when i lick so i will come soon and see you and chastisseyity

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 09 June 2004 14:00:34
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Do you mean the Delhi Belly?

Come on, Blaized, don't tease me. You don't just wander along and do a show. You'll have paid Ed handsomely for the privilege, so you'll know the time of day and dates that your show is on. Your secret is safe with me - what's the show?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:00:13
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

I've been having a look at your website - nice work. I'm really enjoying it. Thing is... well... you've had some help. You're using the services of Chris Limb, who's a web designer and involved with the likes of the Gonzo Dog-do Bar Band... and probably has some involvement with the folks from The Trap. In addition, you know too much about the whole Edinburgh festival thing.

Your stuff is absolutely hilarious and well worth a read - it's been keeping a bunch of chortlers very very entertained for a few months... but the time is going to have to come when we find out who you really are... reckon you can trust me to keep your secret?

Which show are you really doing? Cos there ain't no "great spider welch" in the programme :)

Just keep doing the whole blaized carmey thing - it's totally brilliant.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 21 June 2004 16:19
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hello Asley!

yes i am a frined with Christopher Limb. I met him after i was going to do my show in the lift last year at the edinburghgh festival. he did the website of kiki who was almost put me in the lift but she did not (and then was rude to me). Christopher annd me keep in touch since we met in brighton. i did the website myself though on free programmes on my computers and then i mailed it to christopher and then he made it appear on the computers. i do not knows how to do that. The great Spider Welch IS happening in edinburghgh fringe, why do you keep saying it isn't. I am doing my story telling in the jelly belly which has a bar in it and twinkey bartem says that i could!

you will know when yu see me with your own face!

Blaized

Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:39:15
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I can't see your show listed on the Underbelly website. I keep looking to see if I can find out more about it. I'm in London tomorrow evening - why don't we meet up in Camden - I should be there for about 7pm. Then I can know you and we can see each other's faces.

Anyway, your website was done with Microsoft Frontpage, which is not a free piece of software... I'm a computer geek - it's my job to know these things.

I can keep a secret too...

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 21 June 2004 16:47
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

i gottted it free becuase it was on my compter when i gotted it!
i think i being advertised on a blackboard and not in a brochure. i dodn't give the twinky bartem belly any money so that is the problem i keep encountering.
I will see if i can change my plans for tomorrow so i can meets you and give you whiskey.
i lick camden
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 June 2004 15:52:40
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hey Blaized,

Not sure about the Whiskey - I'm day tripping it to London in the car, so will have to stay sober. I'll be near Chalk Farm tube at the Enterprise pub. My mobile number is 07*** *** **1 I'll buy the whiskey for you.

I've given Twinky Bartem plenty of money - I wish I'd worked out how to do it your way :)

See you later.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 June 2004 10:16:50
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized.

Shame you couldn't make it along to the gig the other night. I needed something magical injecting into me - maybe some Blaized magic would have been just the ticket. I got the audience laughing in the end, but it felt awfully lonely up there at the start.

So what's news with you?

Have you written any more of your Edinburgh show - there's more of it online, but surely it couldn't fill an hour in its current incarnation?

Are you going to come along on July 17th or 18th to see my show at the Etcetera in Camden? Apparently you were going to perform there, but had to pull out at the last minute.

I also understand that you are telling people that I am your friend. I'm touched by this, since it means that you're not ashamed to admit to knowing me. Sadly, I feel a bit disappointed that we haven't met yet. Surely friends would be better at keeping in touch? We'll have to sort this out.

Good luck with being Blaized.

See you soon.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 June 2004 11:32
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Asley. i did not see this emails until it was too late. i seens it just now, i am sorry that you were lonly without me. I will try to come to see your show in camden, i will book tickets today. last times i was supposed to do a bit of my play there but i then went to the wrong theatre at the canal cafe thetare and i got there and they said i was in the wrong place. i tried to hurry to the write place but it was too late but then some peoples readed my script for me anyways on the stage i was told.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 June 2004 10:53:12
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

I heard that they read your script too. I'd love to have a look at it - can you email it to me?

Let me know which night you're coming to my show in Camden - I'll make sure we can meet up afterwards.

Are you doing any previews of your show before you go to Edinburgh? I've learned a lot about our show over the last two previews - thankfully, I'm happy with most of it, but it must be a big risk trying out a show you've never done before during the Edinburgh festival itself. I'm so glad I was advised to do previews.

Good luck.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 29 June 2004 14:32:53
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Labi Siffre

http://www.so-strong.com/archives/music/lyrics/05_so_strong.htm

That's who sang it

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 July 2004 14:40
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

I don't understand your email asley. nevermind. perhaps you drunk! I am exciting now abouts edinburghhgr. I am going to have a special chair in the jelly belly and mes own board saying when i sit there! exclaim!

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 01 July 2004 13:47:00
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized - I read your blog and you were asking who wrote "something inside so strong" - the song you sang to the dog you found on the street. I found out who did it and emailed you the stuff below.

I'm very excited about Edinburgh too.

Are you doing any previews of your show?

I'm currently working on getting the show ready to come to London in just over two weeks' time. It's a lot to organise. In September, I will be very relieved that it's all over... I'll also miss the flurry of activity.

What will you be doing after Edinburgh?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 11:11:47
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized,

Are you Anil?

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 07 July 2004 13:26
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hi Asley, what is anil? is it a type of feeling?

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 12:42:56
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

I'm asking whether you are actually Anil - as in the Pineapple Boys member called Anil.

It's a fair guess. If I'm right, you may as well admit it. I'm telling noone.

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 07 July 2004 13:49
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

hello asley,

someones else called kiki says this to me too. i do not lick it very much. i am not a pin apple boys i am a man and quite an old man and i dont unerstand why peoples guessing who i am these days. if that the best you say to me today than i can do without it.

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 07 July 2004 13:10:18
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Sorry Blaized,

I am just excited about meeting you when you come to see my musical. Kiki suggested it to me and gave a compelling reason for why she thought you were Anil. If you don't want me to question the man behind "Blaized" then I won't.

What are you doing today?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 22 July 2004 15:33:47
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

Did you make it along to see my show this weekend - you said you would. If you did and then didn't come and see me afterwards, that's a bit of a disappointment.

So, when are we going to meet up in Edinburgh?

Ashley

From: Blaized Carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 23 July 2004 16:54
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Hi there

Hi Asley
I am coming to see you tommorroww at 7.30. I ams looking forward to it. Do I need to book a ticket or will you give me a compliment?
yours, Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 23 July 2004 16:16:06
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : RE: Hi there

Hi Blaized

Sorry, but it was last weekend - you missed it. I would have comp'ed you in... you'll have to wait until Edinburgh now.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 21 September 2004 10:44:46
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

Thanks for coming to see The Musical! during the fringe. You never introduced yourself to me, though we must have run into each other in the underbelly. What do you look like?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 September 2004 12:42
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Dear Asley, surely you know what i looks lick? have you not seens my phot? have you seen my poster for my show?

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 28 September 2004 12:44:35
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

I'm not sure that you do look like the photo I've seen on your website. I would have definitely noticed you if you did. Having said that, the photo was an odd one, coming, almost at random, from a german university's photo
website: http://www.geogr.uni-goettingen.de/kus/pics/vn3/vn1999-bremer-old-man-small1.jpg
So I'd be forgiven for my assumption that it's not actually you.

I've seen the poster for your show and I'm really tempted to come along and watch it. The problem being that it's a long way to go for watching a show and I have a day job which may get in the way. I'm 300 miles away from your venue. If only it were on 3 days later: I'm in London on a company-paid-for trip then anyway.

Good luck with the show.

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 September 2004 17:40
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Dear Asley,

It is an old picture of me, i think at least 5 or 6 years olds i think. I do not unerstand why you not think it me why? just because it on another wesbite and not just your wesbite? I been to many places, i seed a lot of things. i quite old asley.

Maybe the picture of you dressed as a soldier is random, i am tempting to think so but i know it is you because i have seed your flesh.

I sorry that you can not come to see my play but i dont think you wood reaaly come anyway because you dont even belive i a person which is my biggest insult from you. nasty cruel is your name

Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 28 September 2004 16:48:32
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Blaized,

I'd love to see your play and see the man behind the name. If I can, I will. Thank you for coming to see mine. I only wish you'd taken the time to say hello - you knew my whereabouts and I had no means of finding you.

As for your identity. You are Blaized Carmey. Everything else is irrelevant.

Good luck with the show. The etcetera is a good venue, I'm sure you'll have fun there.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 29 September 2004 15:26:41
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: Did we actually meet during the Fringe?

Hi Blaized,

How long does your show last? If it will be over by 9.30pm then I may be
able to come - do I get a discount?

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 12 November 2004 16:59:29
To : "'Blaized Carmey'"
Subject : I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

It's a big trip to make for a one-hour-long play, but I guess I couldn't miss out on the chance to see the premiere. Good luck organising it. The show must go on... and invariably, it does.

Will you be around for post-show drinks?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 15 November 2004 17:36
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Dear Asley,
many thanks for being my supporter. I hope to have pre show drink and after show drink of whiskey. I will need it for my nerves because they is getting shaky already and it not yet the day of the preformance. I have been very busy making all of the costume and it difficult for me because i have roomatism in both of my hands and this make it a long job. i try to rest but when i rest i dream of the play. i hop it is my best work. i worry that i old and will not have many chances at this before i die.
I look forward to see you and to hear you laugh and cry at the play
Your Fiend, Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 15 November 2004 17:41:20
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized

If the play turns out as I'm certain it will, and if you are prepared to sit and have a drink me, it will be my pleasure to buy the whiskey.

How are rehearsals going? Do the cast need to learn their lines? Or will they do it radio-play-style? Scripts in hands?

Is there much of a set?

Good luck with it. I'm sure you'll have fun. As for the performance anxiety dreams - enjoy them, you've earned them!

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 16 November 2004 15:40
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

thankyou asley. i look forward to your critike.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 16 November 2004 15:51:02
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I was just going to come along and enjoy, but if you want me to give you a critique, then I'll bring a notepad...

What are your hopes for this preview? Some people do previews to get press attention, or to see if the material works, or to give themselves a first step towards completing the show. In your case, you've made a real challenge for yourself, so I don't know your aims.

When I first put on "The Musical!" one of my main aims was to see my efforts come to fruition. It's a really good feeling. I met a friend of a friend today who'd seen the show in Edinburgh. It was the first time I'd met him. As we parted, he told me that the show had been the highlight of his trip (albeit a day-trip) to Edinburgh and that he still listened to the CD and enjoyed it. That's kind of weird, but it makes it all worthwhile... (personally, I thought my show was fairly worthless - except, perhaps, as a bit of entertainment)

Keep doing what you're doing. I'm enjoying watching your progress.

And blog more often.

Ashley

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 23 November 2004 22:27:23
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

Well... Interesting. You were in the audience, then. If so, where were you sitting. In fact, you can't have missed a big fellow like me, so where was I sitting?

Why didn't you say hi to me after the show? I thought I was going to buy you a whisky?

I'm disappointed in you. I thought that the climax of this story would be that we'd meet at your play and talk of the future. Now I'm more puzzled than ever. What is the purpose of this? Really... I'm utterly stumped. Give me a clue. Is this some sort of test?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 10:37
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Asley,
I am sorry not to drink the Whiskey with you after you comes all the way from Scotland to see my humble show. I not well enough to go inot the smockey bar. Ruman phone me and tell me to go straight home, he angry I even go to the show in the frist place but I could not resit.
It no test to you or anyone, I is just being Blaized and hasing some fun in my old age. I want to make peoples smile and be happy and I sorry if I fale to do this to you. Did you lick the peace? I heared you laughing Asley...
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 11:24:13
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

Hi Blaized,

I had a fun evening. I laughed. I learned about Newcastle disease.

What's next for Blaized? Are you going to become a legend on the back of Monday? Or is there some impending denouement to look forward to?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 12:32
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

what is next? i have a few ideas and have writted them down in my dairy. You oculd have a look Asley.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 12:52:21
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I read your diary, Blaized. I suppose my real question is - how much longer are you going to keep up doing what you've been doing? If you don't make it bigger each time, then the appeal will wear off. If there's to be no climax surrounding Monday night, then you will either need to do something a lot more difficult, or disappear completely. Staying as you are will not be an option.

So what do you think? Did Monday go well enough to justify all the work you put in?

Ashley

From: blaized carmey [mailto:blaizedcarmey@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 November 2004 16:52
To: ashley@incredible.org.uk
Subject: RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I thinks you worry two much, Asley. I is not an master ciminal from a James Bond film. I not planning to take over the world. Given my age and the currant state of my health I do not think it two safe to assume that I will be around for a long time, I will stop when I dies or when the people kerb their interest.
Blaized

From : Ashley Frieze
Sent : 24 November 2004 17:02:26
To : "'blaized carmey'"
Subject : RE: I'll be there on the 22nd.

I'm not worried... I'm just extremely puzzled. You've been doing your thing for months now and I've been waiting for the grand finale. In much the same way as your play just suddenly came to an end, so do you expect your presence in the comedy world to come to an end without a punchline? What sort of a story would that be to tell?

You're truly an entertaining being - more so on the page than spoken, I might add - and I know you've gotten yourself something of a following, but do you really plan to string this along indefinitely with no purpose? Or is there some grand plan that you're yet to reveal? In an earlier email, you suggested that Monday night's show was a preview for something for Fringe 2005. Will there be a show in August?

I think you ought to write more for your website. Your takes on current affairs, along with your turn of phrase in your "dairy" are well worth reading.

Maybe I'm just looking for meaning in all of this. Perhaps you're just bored and filling time. Still, putting a 45 minute show together in a London theatre is a bit ambitious for just a time filler... Isn't it?

Ashley

My John Report review

2004-11-24T10:53:00.000Z

HERE IS MY FRIST REVIEW!

Verdict: Fairly interesting
London - Etcetera Theatre - 22 Nov 04
www.blaizedcarmey.co.uk

The Universal Language of the Animals is drama inflected with comedy, running at just under an hour. There's a cast of 7 (2F, 5M).

Narrator Blaized Carmey (Dan Mersh) introduces three states of existence: now, life in 3012, and an afterlife. He proposes the creation of a language that eg humans, birds and fishes can all understand - to reduce the misunderstandings between species that the three scenarios illustrate.

In the first state, Child 1 (Nick Pettigrew) recalls how his parents were eaten by a snake (Paul Nelson). Child 2 (Hazel Humphreys) was brought up by ducks. Child 3 - (James D'Chapeau) is vegan and serenely indifferent. A pigeon (Paul Nelson) rapes another pigeon (Cecilia Smart) and infects her with Newcastle Disease. A hawk (Cecilia Smart) prepares to attack, leading to violence among children and birds.

In the second state, in 3012, Robot Child 1 (Alex Macqueen) and Robot Child 2 (Hazel Humphreys), with promptings from Robot Child 3 (Nick Pettigrew), try to work out what humans were like; and discuss non-communication.

In the third state, a type of after-life, Muthpet 1 (James D'Chapeau), Muthpet 2 (Alex Macqueen), and Muthpet 3 (The King) (Nick Pettigrew), pass judgment on the others - and whether to send them to Schala (good), or Draaaaag (bad). Those judged include the eggs of the previous pigeon - Egg 1 (Cecilia Smart), and Egg 2 - (Hazel Humphreys).

It's a potentially interesting play. There are elements of Jean-Paul Satre's version of existentialism, and a trace of Nietzsche. It's told in an arch Edward Lear / Walter de la Mare nonsense style, stitched together with pseudo-philosophy.

It is difficult to review the play at the moment, because tonight's version seems an unrehearsed reading, with scripts open, and a number of forgotten lines. But it feels fairly interesting. With a ruthless - very extremely ruthless - edit, and some rigorous work on the script to make the dialogue more inviting, it could be a cult hit.

Tonight's audience includes legendary performer Peter Buckley-Hill, comedy experts Zena Barrie & Michelle Flower (FRA 04 - Best Comedy Company), sublime press officer Penny Sims.

Cast Credits: Hazel Humphreys - Child 2, Robot Child 2, Egg 2. Alex Macqueen - Robot Child 1, Muthpet 2. Dan Mersh as Blaized Carmey - Narrator. Paul Nelson - Snake, Bird 2. Nick Pettigrew - Child 1, Robot Child 3, Muthpet 3 (The King). Cecilia Smart - Bird 1, Egg 1. Jim Woroniecki as James D'Chapeau - Child 3, Muthpet 1.

Company Credits: Written and directed by Blaized Carmey. Technical Operator - Phil Bentley. Thanks: (programme spellings): Nick P, Humph, Cecilia, James D'Chapeau, Paulie, Ruman, Michelle, Zelda, Pillip, Martyn, Rogger, Chortle, Jerry, Andre, Mr Nichol, Marek, Spencer, Ween, Dominic Frisby.

http://www.fringereport.com/0411theuniversallanguageoftheanimals.shtml

Apologyes to Paulie

2004-11-24T10:46:00.000Z

I would lick to reveyes my stating that Paulie not bother to learn his lines as Muthpet B and Robot 1, as i now inform that he had food poison and that is why the other man who I not now from adamski in the show.
Blaized

The Preformance!

2004-11-23T14:35:00.000Z

It is the day after the big day of the show. I hast not stopped dancing yet!
It was infortunite that I has to go to the doctors on Friday for my flu jab becuase whilst I their the nursey taked the pressure in my blood and she say that it gone sky high and should have to have some serious rest and their by she banished from leaving my house for the weekend saying I too old to play frolicks with Humph and Cecila. SHe say I must stay in the bed and keep cosy not go to the rerhearsals. I was furious about this and I decides I will defy the dictation of the nursey, but when Ruman finds out he get upset and say I must always do what best for my health, as he would be lost without his Blaized.
SO I has to get Sheila to deliver the costumes and the tinydisc of music and the technacle scipt and they actoresses had to practise withouts their director.
I was not even alloud to rerhearsal my part of the narrator, so the young ladies at the theatrical bent the ear of a professinal actor to make the stand in for me. I was sad this be the case, but i happy because it meaned I sit in the theattrical in the audience in amongst the other people and I view the show from the seats.
I was very pleased with the work that Nick P, Paulie, James and Humph and Cecila had done in my abcess - they make my humble words I wrote on page come to life and sound better they they ever could in my heads. My favourit bits were:

The bit the fanfare started after "let the play comment"
The bit wear child 1 tell his story about his past and then the snake came on. Everyone laugh and i feel a rush of prid.
The bit wear child three look in the air
I licked the noise that the Robot two makes and I was very proud of the way the robot heads I create for the peace look in the lights of the theatrical, they very shinny.
I licked the childrens on fire with petrol and matches and the flashing and banging it a very special effect.
The bit when the rape happens and then the bird read a magazeen.
The eggs had shinny egg heads and sqeaking voices which maked me laugh.

There was a man in the show I did not know! He plays the part of Muthpet B and of the Robot 1. I do not now why he their but i think everyone two polite too say that Paul not bother too learn his lines and this man reads them instead. I licked the way he said them and rolled the words in his moth. He work in the specsavers shop on the telly. He very professinal on the stage as well.
Actor Daniel Merch maked a fine narrator for the peace and though he much younger than me he read my parts well and he had more of a lowd voice than Blaized.
I can be happy now that I has seen the play on the London stage. it put a fire in my belly and I think I may write more plays for the cast to be in, but If I donot bother to then at least I will die a happy forfilled writer.
Here is some of my idea of the future writings:

An opera about Easter story with Jesus and more eggs (can use the costume again)
A plays about the simease twins that joined by the heads and they sing the country and western ballids and then they get seperated by the doctor who is evil and drink their blood so he sing lick willie nelson or gareth brooks. I think there will be some revenge had by the twins who get married to spies.
The ways of the Ladies
An update of Hamlet by Mr William Shakespeare with robots in it (can use the costume again). I would cast James D'Chapeau as Hamlet, Nick P as I Claudius and Cecelia as Hamlets mum that gets raped. I think she called Gert.
A comedy farse about Boris Johnston in which he where a funny hat ans shorts and get the sack from his job by his old fiend Dracula. It will be funny because it true.
A story of Jeremy Vine starring Jeremy northam, Jeremy Paxman, Jeremy spake , Jeremy Clarkson and Priscilla Presley queen of the desert.
A play about Utopia which a sequence to The Universal Language (of the Animals) when everyone has learned the universal language created by the 3 ghost childs and the muthpets come to earth and talked to the elephants and the people and the zebras and they all gang up on the rapists and the american goverment and make the world a better place.

Let me know if you have a perference.

It nearly the time

2004-11-19T14:50:00.000Z

Hello to you all. It is nearly the time for my play and nearly the times for me to meet my actoresses. I hop we all get along ok i hop that they lick the costumes I have been making. I am not sure whether they are very good. Hopefully they will look good on the stage when they have the special lightis shining upon them. I have keeped been making a maess with feathers and glue and glitter and sewing and tin foil, i been getting tied up in string and have learnt all sort of things and the best techniques that there are so i do not keep losing the end on my sticky tapes. I hop that my voice sound strong when i read my lines and i hop i look smart and not too old.

I also worry about the ardiance but i think people will come to see the show. I hop that they leave the theatrical thinking that they too would lick to learn a universal language for the animals and i hop that they will think about getting along in harmony with the animals that they see from day to day lick a doggie and cat a sqwirrel or a horsie or a cow. or a donkey. or a fox! or a monkey but you not see many of those in london apart from at the london zoo.

I hop i hop i hop.

Blaized

Bridget Joness Dairy

2004-11-11T16:31:00.000Z

Today i been to see the film of Bridget Joness Dairy. I went to see it because if i want my dairy to be a famous dairy it impotant to find out about dairies that are very succesful so i can maybe copy.

I enjoy the film very much it made me laugh. I lick the characters of Mark Darsy and Hugh Grant and Jeremy Paxoman. I lick Rebecca the Lesbian who gives Bidget Jones a kiss. I lick it when Hugh Grant and Mark Darsy have a fight in a fountain and i lick all the ladies that bidget joness is in pison with because they look lick my gran daughters.

I did not think the characters are explain very well because i did not know who everyone was and it did not explain how they meet and i got the feeling that things had happen in the past that i didn't know about. In one bit of the film Hugh Grant says he know where Bidgets asshole is and that make me think he may have had a relationship with her in the past but they never said so and then the character of Neil pearson who play Neil Pearson seem to think something gone on that way too!

My main problem with the film is that Hugh Grant and Mark Darsy and 2 very handsome actors in britain, probably the top 2 actually and the lesbian lady was also quite good probably in the top thirty at least. I do not unerstand why they all crazy about Bidget joness. She not very clever and even though she wear big pants it still not hide the fact that she has got quite a fat neck ans she walks lick the cartoon character donald duck.

I licked her fiends. I licked Tom who gave bidget the wrong advice and i like the lady who went to thailand with her and then met a young boy who gave her a snake full of drugs that bidget then took on the aeroplane but then the sniffing dogs sniffed her out and she got put in the pison but then Mark Darsy got her out of the pison and then she went home and then he asked her to marry him and she did not answer him but she did jump up and kiss him so i think that the answer was yes and then Bidgets mum and dad had a wedding for the second time but i do not know why? Maybe so that bidget not a bastard anymore?

They wore lavender colour of cloths which is a colour i not heard of before but i licked it but i did not lick the style as it was too much.

If she did not wear the big pants maybe she could walk properly again and maybe she would not be so red in the face all of the time.

That is what i think of it at the moment but i will think about it some more. there was not much in the film about a dairy and i think that i been hoodwinked by the lady at the cinema who said i would lick the film because it definately is about a dairy and she know i been waiting for a film about a dairy for a long time.

Blaized

i not sure I lick the internet anymore

2004-11-09T17:03:00.000Z

The internet is an unfiendly place. I has today found that Chortle has changed. i thought I had gone to the wrong plaice, but then I found Asley so I new I was in the right place, but it had a make over. Then I found my messages in the bbc forman has been removed and other people are not welcoming to me, they think I someone else (as well!)
And I is not alloud on Birdy's Real COmedy anymore. He has told Angie P that he is going to come and ruin The Universal Language (of the Animals), but the actoresses think he is just saying this for attenshun and it is to far for him to come to Camden from ABbadeen.
LuckilyI has had the runs today and this takes my mind off these worries. i will return to my reading. Good news! 150 moire Bararabra Cartland bboks to be punblished!

might get a rabbit

2004-11-03T08:50:00.000Z

i hast been keeping up a bit of a low profille, as I getting fed up bof everyone badger bating me, ad pretending to be me, or backing on a bet that I am a secret idetinty, lick some sort of super hero.

My doctor say that my bloood pressure getting worsen not better, so I sit and take it easy. ight get a pet to stroke.I hast been reading a book named Engineres of the Imagination about plays and the theatrical, and it has give me some ideas for mounting The Universal Language (of the animals) and I do an effigy.

I am taking some interest in the American Elecshun. I do not think much of either candydut, but I do think George Duble-U is a bit of a fool and he licks to have a war two much, this morning it look lick that he will win (I got up two early this morning as the lights get up early now the clock has changed and the birds are singing at 3am)

The 274 bus take a nice ride round the zoo and parks, so I might go on that later for fresh air.

Only 19 days to do unto the play!

whos am I?

2004-10-27T15:27:00.000+01:00

I think i ist having an idenity crysis. i am not sure who I ist anymore, now peoples think I am someone different. Ruman says it is not an amusement, but I hast be insluted.

Today I hast enjoyed a nice walk through Bloomsbury. It was nice to seed all the young students at the univercity with all there hops and dreams. I enjoyed looking at the blue placqes of all the fmaous writers that lived there and I wonder is I will have a blue placqe saying "Blaized Carmey, Writer, Lived here."

I watched the television show Teachers last night, it was very good. I licked the man in the wig when he had a wee in the bin, the headlady has gone very mean in this new serial.

A lady called Kyler emailed me today and asked me what I think of her ass. She also want me to have an affair on a webcam. I replied to her saying I wast not inerested because I seeing Sheila on Tuesdays.

This is what I hast been doing.

Gambling

2004-10-25T14:18:00.000+01:00

I just find that this sweepstake is being made on who I am. You has to guess that I am someone else. I has been having a good chuckel about this. I know that I spent a lot of time on the internet writing on my diary and reading of my fiends on Chortle, but I am old and as I am having to rest a bit at the momment, I do not have naything betterwise to do with my time. I think it could a be a little bit sad for these young people that they wasting there days lick this.
I telled them that I finding it funny, and that Ruman might have a bet on me just being me. But I do not know if he will be alloud because he is my brother.
Here is the gambling http://uk.geocities.com/dominicfrisby@btopenworld.com/ it is funny.
I has been making a programme to go with my show, a little difficulty as my actress's have all written their biograffs in differnt style. Some says that" i has done this" and "I has done that" and others say "he has done this" and "she has done that". I do not know what the corecctive way is, but perhpas I worry to much about that.
I is less worry about peoples coming to see my show now, I had an email from a laday saying she come and her boyfiend and their pals are coming, and Wonky Jim say more others coming, so I think there will be small audience. This reliefs to me.

I am all worry

2004-10-19T11:23:00.000+01:00

I am a bit worry about my health. I hast not been asleeping very well in the past weeks. I keep making dreams about The Universal Language (of the Animals).

On Saturday I dreamed that the stage was covered in bird poop and cecila fell over because it was slippie and then she gave brith to a baby muthpet. Their was a huge crowed watching the play but they licked the baby more than they licked the play and humph was dressed as a midwif.

On Sunday I dreamed that I forgot to write the play and insteed we had to do a karaoke show and Mullon came along looking lick a tellyvison with big sharpe tooths and he make all the elecktrisity go in the air lick thunder and lightinining.

Last night i dreamed that the theatrical was empty aprat from John Park and the girls who work at the threatical who I email and the stage was very long way from the chairs and we all had to shout though cones to be heared and I was not being the narrator but I had to be dressed in a leopard, lick asley wore in Edinburghrghr. Then I could here Jeremy Vine talking to the fat lady chef and I know they were coming to see my show, but they had heads that looked lick horsies and they kep laughing at bits that are not funny. But Paulie, whom is pink cat, scratched there legs.

I wakes up all in sweating and I canot get back to sleeping so I put the radio on. I am going to see my docotor today about my sleep problems. I hop he can help.

Their is a knew person on Chortle called Plink who I a bit warry of. He keep following me, then he said i was dead and I horrible to my families, which is a very mean thing to say in my thoughts. everyone ask why i was in Vietnam, but i sould think that was obvioulsy.

I going to put my feets up and have a cup of tea befire i go out to see the docotor.

i finsihed my scipt

2004-10-12T16:18:00.000+01:00

It is finished and it is prefect and I am very happy about that. Now I am waiting with my breath to hear if peoples lick it or not.

Oh god, now i feel very nevrous, I hope it ok.

Blaized

noisy foxies

2004-10-12T13:16:00.000+01:00

Last night I could here the noise of monkeys in the park near my house. I did think this was strange as their are not any monkeys in the park and I do not think they are natife to London.
I said this to neighbore this morning when I get my newspapper and he say it not monkeys but it is the foxies making the noise when they have sex. This maked me luagh and I go and get some binicolours so if they come back toniht i can watch, lick David Attingborgh.
I might put some foxies in my play The Universal Language (of The Animals.)
I must compleet the writing of the play, It still not finished, but i has done a lot. There has been much researching on Newcastle Disease. And the spelling vry good. Much better than this.

hard working

2004-10-05T17:16:00.000+01:00

I hast been working very hard on my play. The actors are very impatent that i get it finnished so they can learn there lines. They do not unerstand that there are lots of things to think about and organize when you is doing a show.
I hast asked ruman to help me do the engliah in the script very good so that it is the best to unerstand.
I has not scene any of the posters I made up on billboards yet, but I am keepting my eyes pealed from the when I on the bus.
Today I has been doing research on the impotent people in comedy and I asked them to come and see the show and help me tack the show up to the festival in Eidnburghrgh next year. I has written to the peoples from Karruchi, Bounty and Gagged, International Artist, PDF, Fat Block , Its Allright for some and the funny moose. I has not written to the avalon as I head that they already to book the tickets for the show without even be inited. This is good as it mean I do not have to give them a compliment, which cost me money.
Now I going to do some more writing in the play. I think I may put a song in.

The Universal Language (Of The Animals)

2004-09-30T17:33:00.000+01:00

hello readers

I is just thinking - does any one out there read my dairy? I do not know if they do becorse I can not see them. When I do my postings on Chortle I can say something and peoples will say back "ha ha Blaized that is funny" or they will say that they think I made up, if they are Mullon, but hear I do not know if my words are seed by people.

Do a bird fall out of a tree if there is nowone in the wood to hear his chirps?

I has been working hard on my play - The Universal Language which is maybe why i has become philosofical. The play I reelise needs to be a lot longer than it was to make the show as long as it should be. I has made up some more lines and done some reserch on pigeons.

poster

2004-09-24T19:00:00.000+01:00

hello
This week I been thinking about posters and making them for my show the universal language (of the animals) which is on in 58 days. I am very excitable.
I do not know how to make posters, I may paint one myselve this weekend.

I ANNOWNSE MY SHOW

2004-09-20T13:12:00.000+01:00

THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMALS
the cast is these peoples
Cecelia Smart
Nick Pettigrew
Paul Nelson
Hazel Humphries
James D' Chapeau
and Blaized Carmey
It will be on at the Etcetera Theatre in London, Camden on the 22rd of November at 8oclock in the night
I decide to put this show on becawse of all the peoples saying that I not real and that I did not do my show in Edinburhgh. They say this with outeven chekking and it make me mad.
I very excited about the preformince and happy that my internet fiends will be in it and i will has the chance to proofs my worth!

I am back from scotsland

2004-09-04T17:59:00.000+01:00

Alright!It Blaized here and you all ken I been in the burough for the last 4 weeks or so. It beens an amazing time for me, now I goes to get a can of juice and when I go to the shopping I says "Can I get" instead of saying the wrong thing all the time "Please may I have".All these things have happened to me because of a special fiens I made when I was a travelling mae way through to the borough.Anyone can guess who my fiend uis? He got curly hair and he a magician. He taught me hows to do a may tricks and now i a magician as well as performer, writter and comedian.Did you all see my stories i tolfd in the jelly belly? I was very happy with how it all went, i did tell the stories in exchange for the single malt whiskey and i told stories to all the bar straff. My favorite was all the girls who were very pretty and I licked the ma who always wore a hat and a vest lick me!I seed many of yous. did you see me?I seed many of your shows. did you sees mine?My favorit was seeing shows next to my venue. I licked the exploding heeds and I licked the klangers and I licked james sherwood but the other man was weird. I licked spank and I saw aver she very beautiful and i met andrew who had ginger hair and sung all about it all the time and i met james and leon and twinky bartem bought me drinks and asked to hear my stories agin and agin. Even Mr Wood heard one of my stories and I seed this musical instead of the consultations and i licked it but it not as good as the show in london. someone got very angry with me because i put my name on the wall in the street with some chalk that my magiciain fiend gave me but then i got shouted and rajed at because you not allowed to writ on the walls but i said i was just copying mullone. he always do bad things to me.I met some neds in the street and they pulled mae beard but my fiens kicked their cunts in.I went to the pleasance and i seen a nice black doggy who i fed but then got rajed at again by a man in a hat.I went to the city restsaurant and i ate a haggis and i licked it.I went to see lunts picnic and i licked it but i did not unerstand the end of the story but i licked the girl in it.and i got new fiens. my fiens with the magic is called Jerry and he going to be my manager, he says he can expoit me very well and I is very pleased to have this managemenet at last.I am tired and i got the flu, i'm wanting my bed. i may go through to it. now.Bye palsBlaized xxx

This Musical

2004-07-26T12:30:00.000+01:00

I went to see my frend Asleys show called This Musical at this weekend. I enjoyed the show and found it very funny, but it was not much of a musical as their was only 3 song in it - the one they singed on a tape and one about a suit and one at the end about tea for three. But I liked the blindfolds sketch.
I has only make frends with Asley over the email and on chortle, so I was interested to meet him. He did not say hello to me though and I did not know which of the 3 men in the show he was to say hello to. Then today I read my email and find one from Ahsley saying "sorry, you missed the show" but I had not, I saw it already. I do not know if he snub me or just being a bit odd.

Im back!

2004-07-22T11:31:00.000+01:00

Hellos everyone. Im back now on the line.
I have not done my blog for a long time as my tellephone went all crackling last week and most times I could not make the internet work. I called up the company and had to tells them the phone was wrong but they could not hear me well because of all the crackling, but the guessed that it was the priblem and comed for a look. The man said that the rain had got in the box and made all thw wires go wet.
Any way it is all ok now and I can again do my dairy. it is only a forenight before I go to the festival in Ediburgrh. I have got my knapsack out of the attic to put my socks and nickers and shirt and tapes in. I has not heard from my frend twinky bartem for a whilst but i think that no news is good news.
I am looking forawrd to seeing asleys musical show which is camden this week end. I think I might go and see more shows in london befor the festival because I will be busy be when i am up there and do not want misss anythings.
I am ekcited today because i think Jason will be the one deported from the Big brother house on tomorrow and I am glad becuase he is boring and always showing his bottom and mooning about the tasks. I would lick to go to an deportion and take a sign that say "put your bottom away Jason!" that i could make from some cardbored.

i hat ebay

2004-07-12T17:30:00.000+01:00

hello everyones, today i am crying onto my glasses. i went onto ebay last week and it was the first time that i had ever dones it and i found the best thing in the owrld on it. to have my scipt performed in a theatrical at the eidnburgh finge. i tiped into it the number 16 and then i got an email saying that i was the winner. today i find out i am not the winner and someone swept it from under my feet and now they are saying that they are the winner. now my dream will not happen and i had thought all weekend that it was going to.

but it might still be ok because there is a man called nick p and i have asked him to do my scipts for me in the jelly belly. let us see what he says to the proppsotion!

i normally reed it out aloud myselves but i think it would be nice to sit back and rexlex whilst someone else reeds it and i have a whiskey.
Blaized

Shark Attack

2004-07-12T13:15:00.000+01:00

Today I read in the Daily Mirror Newspaper about a man in Australlia who was surffing and he got eated by a shark. I had a chat with the lady next to me on the bus about this. I said I would not mind being eated by a shark becuse at least it is a quick way to go. She said the man was mangled by the shark for 45 seconds. I still think that not bad ans rather that than be in a hopital for 45 days and then die. and your pictures can get in the newspapers.

i lick it on a fiday

2004-07-09T21:25:00.000+01:00

hello it is fiday today and i lick fidays just because everyone seems to be so much happy and a bit drunks. i been walking aroiund in the parks of londun today and i seen lots of people going how happy they are because they not got to go to work at the weekends and they can take of their shoes and they can take of their ties and they can take of their suits and they can scream at their tops of their lungs and they can shout and sings and dance with each other and do there primeval dances and be proper humans anfd animals. i lick watching this from a distance and smiling to myself that i dont have to wear suit and tie because i am retired for the last 25 years. ha ah. they makes me laugh they going to kill themselves with their photcopyers.
Blaized

I sing tiddly om pom pom

2004-07-06T18:35:00.000+01:00

hello's everyones. guess what happened to Blaized today? I was sat on a bus it was a number 38 and it was an old one. it was not a bendy one that folds up. I was humming the song tiddly om pom pom when the man who was sat near to me started to hum it too and then a lady that had a tiny dog in her bag started to sing it toes and then the ticket man came up the stairs and he humming it o so then i started to sing the words and then everyones join in and we sang it all the ways along the road and nobody ever wanted to get off the bus because it was so much fun we sang

cras bang wallops what a picture what a photographs
pour old bloke blimy thats a joke
his hat has blowns of in a clowd of smokes
clap your hands stamp your feets
bang it on the big base drum
what a pikture?
what a pikture?
rum biddly bum tum tum bum bum
put this in your familys photo alBUM

it funny, it have bum at the end.

What have I been doing?

2004-07-05T11:52:00.000+01:00

I have not done a blog for a while now. I have been busy doing the carboot sales and lookin for props for my show. I have found a funny clown wigs which is oringe and i thinks I will wear that for the mute grandmother charcter. I also buyed a yellow string bag, but thatis for shoppings, not the show! It can carry lots of cans. I also buyed a jigsaw with eastenders on it and a tapecasette of the soundtrack for the film working girl and i might use some of the musics from that for my show.

Other than that I has been keeping up with big brother (i very annoyed that Jason still in there and I do not lick the new girl who kissed meshell and made her nominated) and on Wednesday i saw a show about a tractor man which had a talking hedge but was unprofessional as he did not no all the lines, but I licked the man called simon faranaby and i may go and see it in Edinburgh when he do it again with all the words memoried, if i get i for free. I aksed my chortle frends to come but no one did.

the weather has stopped me doin much as sometimes it sunny and then it rain and then it wind and i can not keep up with my clothes and so i stay in.

I sad to here that Marlo Brandon has died. He was good in Superman and in the film when he is young and muscled and he shout "STELLLLLLLAAA! STELLLLLLAAA!!"

I seen a funny dog

2004-06-28T20:13:00.000+01:00

I seens a fuinny dog today and i patted it anfd then it woofed at me but then i hummed it to him and he calmed down and eventually he came down the road with me. the song that i hummed to him was 'something inside so strong' by i dont know who but i lick it very much? does anyone know who sang it? i know that i cam make it though you're doing me wrong so wrong i thought that my prid was gone oh no, oh no, something inside so strong. after the doggy had been in my house for a bit i let it out and it runned off down the road wagging its taIL. i let him have my dinner of sausages. i will have something else to eat

big brother eviction

2004-06-26T22:42:00.000+01:00

Hello!
Last night i saw the big brother and it was eviction night and vanesa was out. I was very angry when i see Jason always trying to get a kiss from vanesa and then he say "she isn't really beautiful" which was notnice because she was the best on in their and had a nice face and he licked it enough to say he want to marry her.
I would lick Jason to be evicted next. he wear silly tiny nickers and is rude to everyone an think he is a jungleman even though he from scotland where i am going to agains soon as there is no jungles their, it is cold and mistie. i am sure no lion and monkeys and snaks live in Edinburugh.
I then saw the programme Bow selecter which i did not lick. They make fun of Ronny Barker and it is not funny to just do a stupid accent and talk bad and talk sex. Real micheal Jackson might do bad things to babies but he not swear all the time and say the MF word ALL THE TIME. It is a bad impreson and not even look lick him. ROary Bremmer is much better.

sleepy

2004-06-24T16:25:00.000+01:00

Hello
Today I am mosting sleepy as it was very windy last night and a tree tapped at my windo all night and i couldnt sleep.
Today I has drunk 6 cups of tea all ready and it only halffour

The Bird Cage

2004-06-23T12:45:00.000+01:00

I has written a play inspirashuned by recent events, which I am posting here now:

The bird cage
By Mr Blaized Carmey

Setting in a AVAry full of BIRDYs

Bird 1: Hello! I am new in this cage. I am not sure if I lick it yet. I think I will watch the other birds and see what I am encountering
Bird 2: Bird 3 you are a sillybilly
Bird 3: Bird 2 I dont care what you says, now shut up or I will become enraged
Bird 1: These pair do not seem to be very friendly with each other but they stills seems to stay around together. It is curious. In will watch more of the creechures in this place ans see what they do
Bird 4: I think that bird 5 is a liar
Bird 5: you have to prrof to say that, witch makes you the liar
Bird 4: you are bad
Bird 1: This scene seems to be an repete of the earlier scene. I think that I will try to chirp with the next bird that comes along
Bird 6: I am walking around on my thin legs to find a fight to have
Bird 1: Hello. I am bird 1, what is your name?
Bird 6: I will ignore that bird as he is unfamlar to me and his birdsong is not as good as other people birdsong as if he learned it from a book
Bird 1: Hello. I am trying to make a frend of you
Bird 6: shit up. You have copied me. I will peck you lick I peck all the new and small birds
Bird 1: Ow! The pecks hurt, but at least now I feels lick I am a part of this commune
Bird 4: What are those birds up too? One is one I have not encountering before and the other bird is one I fight with
Bird 1: I wish he would stop pecking me. I will certinaly writ about this in my dairy laters
Bird 6: I am now bored of pecking this bird. I can see Bird 4 who I always fight with. I will have an other fight now.
Bird 4: I think you are a mean bird and you pick on others and you say bad things about me
Bird 6: You are always fighting with me and making me angry
Bird 4: it is a fair point to makes but you do the same thing as well
Bird 6: We shout but it passes the time and keeps our heads working
Bird 1: I can see that the birds in this cage do lick to argue with each other
Big Bird: what is happening here? All the birds are fighting at each other and being mean. The chirpping does not lead to anything and they are to busy being mean to lay any eggs and that makes me annoyed because I builded the cage so that birds could be safe to lay eggs without any foxes eating them. Now they are not interesting in laying eggs. Any bird that dose make an egg and a nest has it smashed by the angry birds.
Bird 1: I sees his problem
Big Bird: I think I will make bird 4 and bird 6 leave the cage to set an example for the other birds who I hops will make more eggs again if they go
Bird 1: Now the birds have gone it is quieter in the cage but I think they only fighted bcause they licked each other.
THE END

Chortle ban

2004-06-22T17:41:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. this afternoon i go to visit my friends on the chortle and i find that Ava (nice) and Birdy (nasty) has been banned by king chortle. We had to do a secret vote and I voted to keep em.

I am very sad about this becaus I lick to vivist chortle and it is lick a sort of family to me and now i feel very guilty and think that my weblog might have got birdy in troubles because yesterday he shouted at me again and then i got sad and said so and now he in troubles. he not just mean to me though and i do not mind so much as he made me think of a play about an ostrigh which i will right, but I worried that ill be banned form chortle and will lose my fiends but now i got website and dairy online i can perhaps make my own forum lick king chortle and will have fiends visit me there

It all feels very complicated and i encountering lots of different feelings that i dont no the words for.

I keep getting picked on

2004-06-21T16:26:00.000+01:00

i keep getting picked on because of my engleesh. most of the time it is birdy. chastistiity told me to stand up for myself and tell him not to be poison all the itme. but i don not know how.
but tonight i am going out to walk around the city and maybe have a swimming so that makes me happy again. i never sad for very long!
Blaized

I got the bloos

2004-06-21T10:56:00.000+01:00

Hello! It is the monday and i am getting the bloos becuase i got to do some work on my new play which is called How to make one universal language and influence peoples. i think but i might change it agains. i am happy with my wesbite very much but what is my next dream to be? now i ams at the top of the field where shall i go? anyways. i need to write to Jeremy Vine because he will be on the radio soons and i must say hello!
I seens a collapsible bus this morning. It was a number 73 and it is new it replaces the one that jump on its back off a postcard. I still not heard from Chastissitity after i told her her bottom lick a mountain.
Blaized

Sunday the 20th June

2004-06-20T17:14:00.000+01:00

Today I start my weblog! Hopefully I will be online with my wesbite soon.